Leadership isn’t about being nice. But it’s also not about being harsh.

A lot of leaders default to one extreme or the other.

Some think leadership means being agreeable and friendly—avoiding conflict, keeping the peace, and making sure everyone likes them.

Others think niceness is weakness—so they overcorrect, acting cold, overly critical, or detached. They believe pressure creates performance, but in reality, it just creates fear.

Neither of these approaches actually works.

Because real leadership isn’t about picking a lane—it’s about knowing when to adapt.

Why Do Leaders Get Stuck in the “Nice vs. Tough” Trap?

Psychology gives us some answers.

1️⃣ The “Niceness Bias” → The Fear of Discomfort
- Research shows that people avoid giving direct feedback because it feels uncomfortable, not because they think it’s unhelpful (Harvard Business Review, 2019).
- We want to be liked, so we soften hard truths—even when honesty would help someone grow.

2️⃣ The “Harshness Illusion” → Mistaking Fear for Respect
- Studies on leadership show that fear-based environments create compliance—not high performance (Edmondson, 2018).
- Leaders who lead with fear get short-term obedience but long-term disengagement.

3️⃣ Cognitive Rigidity → Defaulting to One Mode
- The brain craves simplicity. So many leaders pick one style—nice or tough—and stick with it.
- Mindfulness research shows that adaptive leaders—who adjust their approach based on the situation—build the highest-performing teams (Dane, 2011).

The best leaders don’t operate in absolutes.

They pay attention, pause, and respond to what’s needed in the moment.

The Two Extremes Leaders Get Wrong

🚫 Too Nice = Avoiding Discomfort

• Sugarcoats feedback or avoids it altogether.

• Confuses keeping people comfortable with actually helping them grow.

• Lets small issues fester into bigger problems.

• Avoids tough decisions to protect relationships over results.

🚫 Too Harsh = Leading Through Fear

• Mistakes bluntness for strength.

• Uses criticism as a motivator but actually creates paralysis and anxiety.

• Pushes people to seek approval instead of taking initiative.

• Thinks pressure creates performance—when in reality, trust creates performance.

Adam Grant said it best:

“Politeness is not the same as kindness.
Being polite is saying what makes people feel good today.
Being kind is doing what helps people get better tomorrow."

Niceness keeps the peace.
Caring builds the person.

The Evolution of “Popular” Leadership in Tech

For a long time, tech companies positioned themselves as the new model of leadership—mission-driven, people-first, focused on changing the world.

And for a while, they really believed that.

But now that these companies have been public for years, the pressure to hit earnings, satisfy investors, and drive relentless growth has forced a shift.

🚀 The early 2010s were about optimism and disruption. Companies framed themselves as mission-driven, treating employees as partners in a shared vision.

💰 Now, public markets and investor pressure dominate. We’ve seen mass layoffs, the return of “stack ranking,” and decision-making driven by short-term returns over long-term health.

Why? Because in the corporate world, the bottom line eventually takes precedence over feel-good leadership.

Even if a company wants to modernize leadership, the reality of shareholder expectations forces them into a different mode. It’s easy to be generous when times are good. But when the market turns, layoffs and hard decisions expose the true leadership philosophy.

What This Means for Leaders Today

Tech culture has shaped corporate culture everywhere—which means this shift in leadership style is affecting every industry.

• Startup leaders once modeled themselves after the Zuckerbergs and Musks of the world.

• Now, both of those leaders are taking cues from Jack Welch’s ruthless efficiency playbook.

• The balance between being a leader who cares and a leader who delivers results is harder than ever.

The real question isn’t whether to be nice or harsh. It’s about being effective without losing your integrity.

Nice leadership fails when it prioritizes comfort over growth.
Cutthroat leadership fails when it drives out trust and engagement.

And the best leaders? They know how to balance both.

How to Avoid the Leadership Trap

1. Ask Yourself: Am I Choosing the Easy Route?

• Defaulting to “nice” because you don’t want conflict?

• Defaulting to “tough” because you don’t want to deal with emotions?

The right choice is often the harder one in the moment—but the better one in the long run.

2. Don’t Confuse Comfort with Care.

Keeping someone comfortable isn’t the same as helping them grow.

✔ Sometimes caring means pushing people beyond what they think they can do.
✔ Sometimes it means supporting them when they’re struggling.

The difference? Presence. You can’t make that call on autopilot.

3. Deliver Accountability with Humanity.

Being direct doesn’t mean being a jerk.

✔ Giving tough feedback? Do it with respect.
✔ Holding high standards? Make sure people feel capable, not small.

Great leaders make expectations clear—but they also make people feel safe enough to rise to them.

4. Watch for Ego.

• Are you being tough because you think that’s what a strong leader looks like?

• Are you avoiding hard conversations because you want people to like you?

If so, that’s about you—not about what’s best for your team.

5. Lead Like a Coach, Not a Dictator.

A dictator demands performance.
A coach inspires it.

A dictator says: “You better hit these numbers.”
A coach says: “Let’s figure out how to get there together.”

The best leaders challenge you and believe in you at the same time.

The Hardest Part? Being Present.

You can’t lead on autopilot.

Sometimes, encouragement is needed.
Sometimes, directness is needed.
And sometimes, you need to hold people accountable while treating them with dignity.

That requires self-awareness.

The best leaders don’t just pick a style and stick with it.
They adapt.

That’s the difference between nice leadership and real leadership.